Goodness me, feeling very low today. The sky is grey and moody looking and its cold and miserable outside.
So thought I'd vent a little as I sit solitary in my lonely office and also reflect alittle at the same time. When we moved here to this out of the way, no one has ever heard of place 3 years ago I had really high hopes that I could reinvent myself and move myself forward mentally and emotionally and while I do feel I have been able to do that somewhat I get the feeling I could probably done the same thing if we'd stayed put in London.
Now its become crunch time and all the hopes of starting a new life for all of us up here have gone astray. Due to a mixture I suppose of the recession and our naivety of how easy it would be for us to find local work that kept us fed and watered happily.
While we never in a million years planned for Paul to have to drive to London everyday on a permanent basis the reality is that 3 years later he is still having to do it and this has taken a toll on him, his mental health and the whole family. We also didn't plan for a new addition (my little cherub blessing) but this also has put an unexpected twist on things. As a family now I think we have decided that our only option really is to return to London and be closer to our families.
Eldest child has been wanted to go back for about a year, she feels she's a city girl by heart and misses the hubbub. 6 year old is a pendulum swing of wanting to go to be nearer family and then feeling upset at the thought of leaving his friends. He is the one I am most worried about for the upheaval. When we moved him just to this house 18 months ago (which was in the same town as our old house) he started sleep walking really badly and had massive amount of anxiety during the day, it took him several months to settle down and gave him a very poor start at school. 2 year old will just hate it, he's not one for change of any sort but being 2 he won't remember and he will adjust. At the end of the day if he's got blankie he's pretty much ok.
Me and Paul will cope no matter what we are adults and we have to. Yes the house will be smaller, yes the area we go won't be that great but the optimism that brought us up here will see us through getting back down there. I need to be closer to my family, something 3 years ago I would have laughed at you if you'd suggested was the case. My children need to be closer to their families and it will help all of us, I just wish I could shake off the feeling that I have failed in someway.